This wasn’t what I wanted for today’s post but I’ve been having an incredibly difficult day today and to top the cherry off all my work for today’s post never got saved, leaving me post-less for the day and having to spend the night writing today’s and tomorrows post.
I just want to thank everyone for their on going and continuing support as I learn to open up about my mental health. I’m not really great with my words (ironic coming from someone who has spent her whole life writing them down) but I’m not great at expressing my emotions very well, even less so when trying to use words out loud without writing them down and not being given the time to over analysing them for days first.
But opening up, getting myself out there is something I have made my mission to do this year. Getting over my social anxiety of talking to people online was a big step I’m so happy I’ve manage to knock out of the park this year as before if someone would try to message me I’d block them with a racing heart. It genially gives me anxiety to just talk to someone, even through a message. But I’ve beaten that part of my anxiety this year which is so amazing and I truly am proud of myself for that. I’ve been isolating myself for years, the only one I’ve not managed to scare off is my boyfriend whom I love more than simply word/sentence could explain.
It’s your continued support, messages and comments that helps encourage me to keep going and to keep on my blogging journey. When starting my blog this year in February I couldn’t have prepared myself for the emotional, mental and even physical toll blogging would have on me in just a short amount of time. I went into this with the intentions of investing my all into this blog, my love, pain, sweat, tears, happiness, hope, everything that I have to offer. But I didn’t expect anything to truly happen until at least a year into blogging. I didn’t to gain so much attachment to it so quietly nor did I expect I’d have one person reading my post but now my blog has reached over 200 followers over the short course of time with such incredible viewers.
As stated above I have found dealing with today rather difficult. In all honesty the last two months I have been really struggling to feel the positivity and lightness that I’m trying to spread throughout my blog and social media accounts.
My depression has been trying to grip hold of me in it’s cold, claw like grip to drag me down a hole I no longer want to find myself in. In turn this has kicked my anxiety off into a totally different direction, which is only making my feel worse, and just feeding my depression and messy thoughts.
On top of that I haven’t stuck to my yoga or workouts the why I had planned, and my eating has gone back down, although when my doctor weighed me last week on Thursday I hadn’t lost any weight, I hadn’t gained any either, which is the usual story when it comes to my weight. I either lose it or I stay they same, no change. It get’s so unbearably frustrating sometimes and today I really wanted to give up on everything… I kind of still do but I’m hoping I’ll be able to push through this because I don’t want this blog to be yet another thing in my life that I loved and had taken over/away by my mental health.
I want to continue ‘writing my dream’ of becoming an author. I want to keep this drive to keep writing my novel, this drive to help others and write my posts. I don’t want to lose the one good thing I’ve managed to gain control of.
My mental health has literally taken over my life in every way it possibly could, I’m a slave to my mental health, a puppet whose strings are being controlled solely by my mental health. The only things is hasn’t taken from me is my family, my boyfriend and my pets.
This isn’t forever, I know that. I know some day I’m going to be able to beat all my demons and finally know what inner peace feels likes, one day I’m finally going to love myself and the world I’m in.
But right now I’m taking it one step at a time and today…today was bad step. But it’s okay, it’s okay because it just reminds me, well, I do have good day, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to identify the bad ones like I once wasn’t able to do.
I’m hoping to have today’s post re-written by tonight and ready for you all tomorrow, along with tomorrows intended post.
And again, I truly can’t express how much I appreciate all the supportive and heartwarming comments and messages. I was planning on doing a little giveaway this week but I really want to give back and show just how much reading my posts, following me and supporting me really means to be.
Instead I’m going to be planning a big giveaway, where there can be up to at least 3-4 winners. Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a lovely Friday night and even better weekend.