When looking through a blog you don’t really take into account that perhaps the mind behind the blog, could be riddled with nothing but anxiety but for me that’s my life.
I know that a lot of people escape to the cyber world as a “easier” way to connect with other people, as a less anxious way of connecting with other people. But unfortunately I’ve not fully experienced this, I mean sure, I DO find it easier to connect and engage with people on the internet than I do in real life but all the anxiety that comes with talking to someone in person, still follows me when I try the same thing online.
I feel like because I have spent so much of my time locking myself away from people, that communicating to others is just as difficult for me as talking to animals, I feel like I am saying all the wrongs things, coming off strange, intense, emotional? Maybe even at times crazy, though that could be my own personal feelings being projected outwardly. One of my biggest fears is becoming insane, a strange fear to carry I suppose but one I have never been able to shake off. Between fearing that and barbie dolls… my nightmares can be interesting to say the least.
But I’m rambling and getting myself off topic.
I maybe be stalling a little to, if I were honest with myself. Anxiety is a very close and sensitive subject for me, it’s something I have spent many years blaming for ruining my life before I even got the chance to begin one. I’ve spent my whole life helping others anyway I can, keeping my head down when possible, staying out of trouble (As much as one can), keeping the old saying, ‘treat others how you want to be treated’, Glued to memory. But over time quickly came to realise that I was one of a VERY small few you stuck to such an oath.
As I got older, my need to protect myself out weighed the need to protect someone else and instead of going out of my way to help people, I found myself only helping those I happened to come across needing help, then it got to the point where I wasn’t even doing that because I wasn’t leaving my house.
During that time I never saw myself as locking myself away from people or not experiencing anything because I lived my life in books. From the moment my eyes were open to the moment I could no longer stay awake I was reading, I was living the adventure of someone else, exploring a new world, meeting new and exciting people, helping and saving others. To me I wasn’t missing out on anything because I was experiencing it all every time I touch a book or started writing another of my own.
But of course books weren’t my saving grace for long, I eventually started to notice just how lonely and out of touch with… everything, I was, that I still am. And although my boyfriend manage to save me in parts and massively help me in others, my anxiety has still manage to overrule me, overrule my life.
My anxiety known’s no bounds.
And it’s followed me through my blogging too. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I’m not twitching with the thought of deleting my blog and just ending the constant anxiety that has clung to me since starting it.
Putting yourself out into the world can be a scary thing, to someone who finds it incredibly difficult to leave the house to go across the road (a two minute journey if that!) to go into the shop for something as simple as milk, putting yourself out into the world can feel like a death sentence.
A blog at first seemed like a less scary root to take, a lesser of two evils if you will. It seemed like I’d be able to have a lot of control over who views it…which kind of defeated the goals I had intended for this blog.
If I want my blog to reach people, to help people, inspire people or simply even entertain/ interest them for a few minutes then I had to accept keeping my blog open for people to view, I had to have less control over the privacy settings, for what was the point in having a blog for people to read if I kept it on private so no one could?
I don’t read my own posts, which I know is terrible because I also know there are many mistakes that need correcting. But I just can’t bring myself to go through my posts, I don’t trust myself not to delete them if I’m being completely honest.
I always tell everyone that the comments are open for your own opinion and good or bad I want to hear them…but I do have my comments on monitored as in I monitor every comment that comes in and it doesn’t get publicly seen unless I want it to and I told myself it was because of trolls, and a few months ago that would have been 100% true as there was a particular one that has been emotionally and mentally exhausting me but other than that one? And one other incident that occurred with another “mental health blogger” – I air quote that because I’m not entirely sure that that’s what he is at the moment, it just seems to me more than anything he is reaching out and looking for other mental health suffers to mess with- who later apologised for his behaviour towards the end of the night.
Other than those two, VERY small negative things, I have not had one issue with anyone I have come across online, nor an issue since starting my blog. No one has come to personally attack me or my blog and for most people that would be reassurance enough for them. I’ve made friends with bloggers who have been attacked by many trolls but are still brave enough to keep their comments from monitoring them the way I can.
Usually what I do is, I write a post out and I will post it on whatever day I had decided that it should go out on. After that I’ll promote it as quickly as possible and just s quickly try to forget about it, I don’t go back to it and read over what I have write, I don’t correct the mistakes that are made and I don’t notice them to begin with because I never give myself the chance to.
I really want to change the way I have been approaching blogging. I have been quoting all year, “If you can’t fight fear, then fight scared” but I’m still letting fear fight and beat me. I’m still letting it control me in some ways and I really don’t want to show across my blog, this whole year is about BIG and HEALTHY, changes and I feel that changing my tactic when it comes to how I blog could truly benefit both me, my blog and anyone out there reading it.
It’s time to truly let go of my fear, to accept the negative that comes along with it but also to embrace all the positive benefits that it can bring too.
I wish you all, as always, a wonderful start to the week. Don’t let those Monday blue’s catch you! Whatever you are going through, whatever challenge you are facing, you can face and there isn’t a soul out there that doesn’t have another caring for them, even if all the negativity in your life has blinded you to them, never lose hope!