Stop writing Anxiety off as something small and minor!

This is a topic that has affected my life in more than one way, it’s something that creeps up on you and takes a hold of you without you even realising.

I am of course talking about Anxiety. The silent bully living in your head. I’ve been suffering from anxiety for far too long . I have spent many, many years trying to rid myself of this or beat this… sickness. I have managed to overcome it in many ways, while it has still managed to destroy me in many other ways.

I am so sick and tired of people treating anxiety as something as little as the common cold, something you just have to deal with until it goes away on it own because that’s not how it works, that’s not what anxiety feels like.

Anxiety for me tears into me every second of everyday, I wake up with it and go to bed with it, it’s become a full time house mate that I’ve never even wanted. It affects my mobility to move around and function as that of a normal person, my legs turn to jelly, i feel a though I’m floating out of my body and allowing something heavy and terrible take over.

Sometimes it creates an invisible wall, stopping me from moving, from going any further and continuing on, on my journey. It has stopped me from leaving my house for a little over two years and although I have overcome that part of my anxiety there are still far too many days I find myself not being able to leave the house.

I can get sick, I can start to shake until people start getting concerned that I’m going to take off like a rock in space. I loose sense of where I am because I end up so focused on the feelings it’s pulsing through me. It takes over me completely until I feel like am nothing but Anxiety.

And i’m so sick and tired of people thinking its nothing because there are ‘worse things out there’. Perhaps there is but those are not what’s ruining and taking over my life, Anxiety is, Anxiety has.

So many people suffer with this and yet don’t acknowledge it, they try sweeping it under the rug in the hopes that it will go away. Well I tried that one for years and Anxiety has still won over parts of my life, to this day it still attacks me and stops me from doing things I want to do most.

Anxiety makes you feel so useless and unworthy of even being around at times. I look at those who are able to over come the anxiety they have it makes me cry, although I’m happy for them and proud of them for being able to over come it, it makes me feel even weaker knowing my Anxiety is still controlling every aspect of my life.

People need to stop being so judgemental, watching and judging someone else’s life for what? because why? What does it matter if someone has anxiety, depression, BPD, SPD, extreme suicidal thoughts? What does their struggles have to do with you? Why do people feel the need to place them into categories that in their eyes matter most, because you don’t suffer or was able to over come your mental issue?

When are people going to wake up and realise that WE ARE DIFFERENT and that means dealing with different things in different ways, it means having something a little more sever than others, it means some people get lucky and don’t have to go through anything like this. It means that for others their problems really are all that big to them and trying to make them seem like nothing just makes the person feel like they are nothing. You are helping their problem take hold by making them feel as though they have no one to turn to, no one that understands.

I guess the point of today’s post is this, leave people be. If you aren’t out to help them, then leave them. Stop comparing things to other things all the time and remember that everyone deals with things differently, some people are handed a better hand than others, that doesn’t give you the right to make someone feel small because life has handed them something that seems bigger than it may actually be. In their world, it may be just as big as your problems may seem small in someone else world.

Try and be that positive voice in strangers day, be the positive impact in those you care for lives. Life is unpredictable, you never know what it’s going to throw you. So stop making it harder on yourselves and others around you.

Stop making people feel bad for having anxiety, stop thinking its something so little that it’s basically laughable to most people when its mentioned. Anxiety can hit anyone at any time, it doesn’t discriminate against ANYTHING or ANYONE and one day you could end up with such sever anxiety you’ll find yourself regretting ever second you thought anxiety didn’t mean much, that anxiety was something as little as a common cold.

Try and enjoy the life you have, find ways to make it better and help make other’s feel a little better. Kindness doesn’t cost a thing, so spread that free love and leave the hate and leave the negativity behind you.

My eating Disorder Story

My Eating Disorder Story

(So I started writing this post last week during eating disorder awareness week and ended up putting it on pause and writing other posts instead, I guess I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to have my full story out there but it is something I want to help spread awareness on and so without further ado here’s my story so far).

Some of you may already be aware of ‘Eating Disorder Awareness Week’. A week dedicated to spreading awareness about eating disorders, people who have them, what it’s like and how to help.

This one hits home a little personally as I have been suffering from an eating disorder for many years now that I haven’t really spoken up on and haven’t really sought out any help on until recently. I have only recently just accepted and become aware of my own issues, after living blissfully (or so I thought) in denial for far too long, allowing those who loved and cared for me watch me turn into something… that could barely pass as a hallow shell of who I once was.

I had easily convinced myself that I was fine, I didn’t have an eating disorder, that everyone was being overly paranoid about my weight because I was just skinny, being skinny through my years I’ve heard it all about my weight. But back when I was younger I never really had a problem with eating, I had what was probably a great relationship with food but as I grew and my body grew so did my taste buds and the food went from tasting like heaven to tasting and feeling as though I had ripped off a piece of cardboard and popped it into my mouth.

I had started going days and weeks without eating when I felt too bad I would drink a lot of tea and suck on a few pieces of chocolate to get me through the day… That was only a year ago for me. It was only a year ago that I accepted that I did have a problem with food.

Because I’ve had so many people talk to me about my weight, worry over me about my weight I never paid them any attention. I’ve had so many people ask me if I suffer from anorexia or some other eating disorder, I didn’t care for it and didn’t want to hear it, it just started making me feel self conscious about myself. I went from only mildly caring about what I looked like to spending up to two – three hours getting readying and checking myself in the mirror. I started wearing more baggier clothing and avoided people I knew instantly would have something to say to me.

2018, summer, standing next to my blue haired pixie sister. It was the first time I had left the house in something other than my boyfriend hoodie and baggy leggings.

It always got to me the way people think they have the right to tell me what they think about my weight, It always seemed cheeky to me that they’d feel comfortable enough to let me know they had been staring at my body and decided that I was too skinny for them. I’ve had people who work with people like me treat me like I’m some delusional fool, I’ve had them think they were helping me when in reality they couldn’t have made things worse. I’ve had someone laugh in my face after telling them something someone has said to me about my weight or lack of as well as my flat-chest. This coming from someone whose job requires them to be sympathetic, understanding and no judgemental unfortunately it’s a trait people don’t know how to rid themselves of.

My spine was always sticking out, you could play it like a musical instrument if you had some sticks.

I guess that’s why I had spent so long in denial so determined not listen to them, telling me they were only letting me know because they were worried about me was starting to come off a lot more like that of scolding a child. It’s never a nice feeling to have everyone around you knock your character down to something small, tiny and voiceless. People started looking down on me, assuming they knew what was best, assuming I can’t handle a life of my own. People already have their thoughts on what they think I want, and they’ve never been so wrong in all their lives.

So with people making me feel as though I was on my own, that we weren’t on equal footing it made me distance myself a lot more from everyone. It made me cloak myself in the saying, “Don’t care what people think of you.” And I had, I’d really stopped caring what people have to say about me, about my life about the things they think I will or won’t accomplish in life. Or at least I thought I’d managed to stop caring.

I started to loose a lot more weight. I wasn’t necessarily that under weight when all of this started, being a small and petite female I have a really petite body frame and of course because of all that I was lighter for my age than others. But I never lost weight to the extreme of fitting into my petite 10-11 year old sisters clothing, it wasn’t to the stage that I was forever seeing every bone that my upper body owned, I had thighs, I had bum and little boobs. I wasn’t bad.

2016 was when my weight started to really drop, my boyfriend was concerned and always trying to get me to eat whenever he could. I was worrying my mother and siblings but I wasn’t paying attention to the way my health was affecting them. I’d convinced myself I was fine, and so that’s what I was, I was fine.

Reduced to nothing but fighting for something.

But I had stopped caring about what I looked like, I stopped caring about the things I wore. I stopped fitting into my clothes and settled for living in tights, leggings and my boyfriend hoodies. Sometimes I’d make an effort in what I wore but I had to borrow my 10-11 (At the time) year old sisters clothes as mine were too big and she was the only one closest to my size.

In 2017 I’d got hit with a really bad virus that had left me bed ridden for a month. I had spent days and nights throwing up whatever I could while not being able to eat anything or keep any liquids down. My family and boyfriend were really worry for me by this point but I kept telling them I was fine. I’ll get over it like I always do and get on with life as normal. Except once I had recovered from it I had taken a look at myself in the mirror and got a shock of my life.

I had found out why everyone was looking at me with worried glances, why my boyfriend wanted me to eat or drink whatever I could, why my mum (who due to her own eating disorder is very understanding with mine) was practically begging me to go to the doctors and seek out help.

I went from being skinny to being…nothing. In that month I had wasted away into nothing and to see that nothing staring at me in the mirror? it was a truly terrifying thing to experience, to realise. The week after I got myself down to the doctors and I have been in the hopes that they have been able to help. So far I have had major struggle getting help from any professionals however I have made my own steps in gaining the weight back since then.

Right now I am waiting arrangements from Talk-Liverpool and an Eating Disorder Clinic in the hopes that they can help me. I have taken my own steps in helping myself including, by keeping an eating journal and through yoga practice.

Left is when I was really underweight, the right a recent photo after doing a yoga workout

Stay tuned next week as I’ll be posting what steps I took in order to help myself once I came to terms with my eating disorder and what other eating disorders there are out there, I’m personally shocked by how many there are that I was so unaware of! I’ll also be sharing what a year of yoga has done for me and what it could do for you.