I have some exciting and life changing news that I wanted to share with you all. It’s taken me a little while for it to sink in and we’ve kept things quiet to allow us some time to let our news sink in fully, as it came as quite a shock to say the least.
But my big news is….
Yup, you read that right.
I have little bun in the oven, as they say.
When I first found out I didn’t what to think or what to feel. I did end up telling one of my younger sisters first, before telling my partner an hour later, and then my mum. I’ll never forget my mums reaction, she was SO happy, she threw her hands in their and gave a little dance in celebration. I really wished I’d decided to record telling her but there were so many thoughts and emotions running through me that I just wanted to get it out, to tell those close to me. I really needed support and my family is my best support system.
So far pregnancy has been well and truly hitting me hard. I’ve been hit really bad with “Morning” sickness, It’s not been pleasant. I’m still struggling with my eating disorder which comes with it own challenges and even more thoughts that fill my head. Am I eating enough? Is my body strong enough to carry this pregnancy through? Am I giving my baby everything he/she needs? Am I doing enough to see this pregnancy through healthy? Those of which are just the tip of the iceberg of thoughts that barge through my mind on a daily basis.
But despite the bad, despite my own fears, baby is doing amazing and I’m really excited to go through this new journey of motherhood.
For so many reasons I thought this day would never come and although I would have perhaps waited a little longer…. If I had the choice, I’d have things go exactly the same way. I wouldn’t change a thing.
This baby doesn’t know it yet, but he/she is already So loved and adored by many. She/he is already bringing a little light into people life, it certainly has in mine.
I went for my very first scan on 2nd March and I can’t even describe to you what it felt like when I saw that little baby pop up on the monitor or how relieved I was when they told me there was only one in there! I had a little cry to myself in the car while looking at the scan photos. I just felt this huge wave of relief while me and partner sat there watching our little baby kick her/his legs out and show herself/himself off a little (although he/she was being stubborn and refusing to move from her/his spot so we couldn’t get any face shots, all side shots while she/he floated upside down in the lower part of my belly).
I can’t wait for this “morning” sickness to fade, for the exhaustion to ease up so I can get to enjoy more of the experience of being pregnant because I won’t lie, so far it just feels as though I’m walking around with a constant cold of some kind between the “morning” sickness and constantly feeling drained.
I still almost can’t believe it, I find myself constantly staring at my scan photos. I can’t wait to find out the gender and more so I just can’t wait to have this little baby out into the world and into my arms.
Motherhood is my new journey, I’m scared, I’m excited and I’m so ready. More so than I thought I would ever be. And thankful to have my soul mate right there along side me through it all.
Its going to be crazy & amazing going from just me and him (and our cats) to having this tiny little human to care for and look after.
It’s so insane to think that we can now close the book on one decade and say goodbye to yet another year so we can start anew for the following decade ahead of us and the years that follow. I never thought I’d make it this far and honestly I’m in shock and proud of myself that I’ve reached this far. I’m proud of my family and everything they have survived this decade and in awe of their ability to pick themselves back up and keep going.
2019 for me has been one of my most peaceful years (mentally…) that I’ve had in far too long a time. Don’t get me wrong it’s still be crazy and I’ve still had a lot of really bad moments but for the first time in my life I was able to focus on the good moments too, enough that the bad hasn’t overridden the good.
If I were to comment on this decade, I would tell you it’s been one of the most insane, crazy, happy, intense, heart-breaking, nerve-wrecking and life changing decade I hope to ever experience.
This year on February 4th 2019 I start this blog! After a year of second guessing and going back on myself I finally went through with what I wanted to do and set out to “write my dreams” instead of letting my mental illnesses win and overrule my life. And it all started with this blog.
Since blogging I’ve been opened to so many amazing opportunities that had been closed off to me before. I’ve gotten to speak to some incredible authors and have come across some amazing book series (one of which helped bring me out of my year long reading slump: Heavenward by Olga Gibbs) and my review you can read here on my blog!
I can’t wait to see what opportunities are brought to me in 2020!
2019 blogging has also helped me with my own mental state, it’s helped me to understand a some of my mental illnesses and open my eyes to things I never even thought about when thinking about my mental illness. It’s also helped me to learn and understand about other’s and all the other different types of mental illnesses there are out there.
It’s been a great way to track and log my progress and although I’ve not done as much of that as I had planned last year, this year, I’m hoping to change that and open up more through my blog.
I’ve learnt new things about myself this year that I don’t think I would have ever realised or noticed before without starting this blog, It’s helped in my confidence and its made me even more motivated to write my novel, to go out there and become a psychologist and to have my blog running steadily through that time. I’m more motivated now than ever to go after what I want no matter what’s standing in my way, I know my worth and value and nothing and nobody is going to stop me for achieving the future I want for myself.
I even went on a few adventures with my love and little Toby (one of which I think I’ve written about on my blog) and even had Bella and Brad join a few (Bella is one of Toby’s best friends!). On one of my adventures with Dan we came across a really beautiful butterfly that even kept still long enough for me to snap a few picture of it! It was such a relaxing and wonderful day of walking about in nature and away from people.
2019 wasn’t just a great year for the start of my blogging life, it also became a great year for my health. I became a year free of smoking, I had gotten into my yoga practice a lot more, started a few new workouts and I had even managed to start eating more and gained weight for the first time in a years. Overall this year I have felt the healthiest I have in far too long.
My mental health has also improved a little in 2019, I noticed I’ve had less break-down, less blow outs, I’ve managed to find a new coping method that helps me to manage my emotions a little better. They still get the better of me and I’ve not gotten complete control over them, but now I FINALLY have a way to gain at least a little control which is a big step for me.
2019 brought me inner peace.
2019 I learnt to let go of a lot of my negative emotions and thinking. I finally feel a peaceful in myself that I’ve been trying desperately to obtain for what seems like my whole life, I’m not feeling that constant war within myself that I’m usually battling with on a daily basis, I haven’t managed to rid myself of it completely but the feeling is there less now. Because of this a lot of my personal relationships have gotten better and I wouldn’t change that fact for the world.
unfortunately as usual with me I’ve ‘fallen off the wagon’ as the saying has goes and I’ve gotten myself stuck into a few old bad habits again, I’ve stopped eating and lost the weight I gained and due to my not eating I’ve decided to stop all exercising – not wanting to risk anymore weight loss than I’m already experiencing.
A lot happened in 2019:
Loki was born had his first Halloween and Christmas with us.
My sister and mum had big operations and are still recovering incredibly well from them.
I attempted Camp NaNoWriMo2019
My Kitt-Katt became a little senor cat this year
My little sister turn 16!
My little brother turned 13!
I did yoga with my little sister
I took my sisters to a Pusheen event in early celebration of my little sister’s 16th birthday
I was finally able to dye my last little sister’s hair for the first time. (It’s like a right of passage in my house)
I found out that the vets didn’t neuter one of my cats properly and caught him spraying out in the garden (luckily he’s too much of a good boy to do it in the house)
I also found out that my little Bear – who is two now – is Oreo’s son
I still haven’t gotten over how much Gizmo looks like her dad (my kitt-katt)
I met Cloud (My friends new kitten)
Spirit went to a new home and became best friends with his new brother Cloud
Spirit passed away a few months before Christmas
I’ve connected with myself
I’ve dyed my hair purple
Was blonde for a day
Then dyed my hair orange
Worked on myself and actually made progress!
I’ve baked a little in 2019
Spent many late nights working on blog post
Spent many more late nights working on my novel
My mums cat went missing for a week so I spent that week climbing over her garden wall into the wilderness behind calling her, leaving food, tuna, treats, and her cat carry (she’s obsessed with it for some reason) until she finally made her way back home to my mum.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself in 2019
Experienced some extremely frosty mornings but no snow…
And entered the 7th new year with my Dan
Now that we are in 2020 it’s time to give up those bad habits again and focus on my health. I plan on getting back into my yoga practice as well as my work outs and hopefully eating a bit more food on a regular basis.
I also have plans to get out a bit more and to complete another online course for my psychology. My mum got me a new camera for Christmas so I’ll probably be taking a LOT of pictures while testing it out and getting a feel for it (I can’t wait! I’ve already used it a few times for some cat pictures and moon pictures – I a little moon mad :P).
I plan on taking this year a little slower in the hopes that it will help me work through my messy mind and bring to life all the ideas that are cramped inside. I have a lot of hope for this decade, I lot things I’m hoping to see come to pass.
I also have a few book reviews that I was meant to get through in 2019 but either unfortunately forgot about them (it’s what happens if I’m sent them online rather than in physical form – unfortunately its out of sight out of mind with me as my memory is awful – or simply just haven’t been able to get round to them yet but I’m not taking on any more book review until I’ve gotten through and posted the ones that I was hoping to have out before the start of 2020.
Before I leave this post and wish you all a great year and a great start to a new decade I just want to thank everyone who has helped me, supported me and stuck by me through these months. I’ve almost made it to a full year of blogging! And it wouldn’t have happened with out your support and encouragement and there are just a few blogs I want to leave everyone with the option of checking out.
These bloggers are some phenomenal, creative and inspiring people that has helped me through my own journey of blogging, mental wellness and recovery and I know that a lot of my viewers would either love or benefit hugely from checking these bloggers blogs out. –