My eating Disorder Story

My Eating Disorder Story

(So I started writing this post last week during eating disorder awareness week and ended up putting it on pause and writing other posts instead, I guess I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to have my full story out there but it is something I want to help spread awareness on and so without further ado here’s my story so far).

Some of you may already be aware of ‘Eating Disorder Awareness Week’. A week dedicated to spreading awareness about eating disorders, people who have them, what it’s like and how to help.

This one hits home a little personally as I have been suffering from an eating disorder for many years now that I haven’t really spoken up on and haven’t really sought out any help on until recently. I have only recently just accepted and become aware of my own issues, after living blissfully (or so I thought) in denial for far too long, allowing those who loved and cared for me watch me turn into something… that could barely pass as a hallow shell of who I once was.

I had easily convinced myself that I was fine, I didn’t have an eating disorder, that everyone was being overly paranoid about my weight because I was just skinny, being skinny through my years I’ve heard it all about my weight. But back when I was younger I never really had a problem with eating, I had what was probably a great relationship with food but as I grew and my body grew so did my taste buds and the food went from tasting like heaven to tasting and feeling as though I had ripped off a piece of cardboard and popped it into my mouth.

I had started going days and weeks without eating when I felt too bad I would drink a lot of tea and suck on a few pieces of chocolate to get me through the day… That was only a year ago for me. It was only a year ago that I accepted that I did have a problem with food.

Because I’ve had so many people talk to me about my weight, worry over me about my weight I never paid them any attention. I’ve had so many people ask me if I suffer from anorexia or some other eating disorder, I didn’t care for it and didn’t want to hear it, it just started making me feel self conscious about myself. I went from only mildly caring about what I looked like to spending up to two – three hours getting readying and checking myself in the mirror. I started wearing more baggier clothing and avoided people I knew instantly would have something to say to me.

2018, summer, standing next to my blue haired pixie sister. It was the first time I had left the house in something other than my boyfriend hoodie and baggy leggings.

It always got to me the way people think they have the right to tell me what they think about my weight, It always seemed cheeky to me that they’d feel comfortable enough to let me know they had been staring at my body and decided that I was too skinny for them. I’ve had people who work with people like me treat me like I’m some delusional fool, I’ve had them think they were helping me when in reality they couldn’t have made things worse. I’ve had someone laugh in my face after telling them something someone has said to me about my weight or lack of as well as my flat-chest. This coming from someone whose job requires them to be sympathetic, understanding and no judgemental unfortunately it’s a trait people don’t know how to rid themselves of.

My spine was always sticking out, you could play it like a musical instrument if you had some sticks.

I guess that’s why I had spent so long in denial so determined not listen to them, telling me they were only letting me know because they were worried about me was starting to come off a lot more like that of scolding a child. It’s never a nice feeling to have everyone around you knock your character down to something small, tiny and voiceless. People started looking down on me, assuming they knew what was best, assuming I can’t handle a life of my own. People already have their thoughts on what they think I want, and they’ve never been so wrong in all their lives.

So with people making me feel as though I was on my own, that we weren’t on equal footing it made me distance myself a lot more from everyone. It made me cloak myself in the saying, “Don’t care what people think of you.” And I had, I’d really stopped caring what people have to say about me, about my life about the things they think I will or won’t accomplish in life. Or at least I thought I’d managed to stop caring.

I started to loose a lot more weight. I wasn’t necessarily that under weight when all of this started, being a small and petite female I have a really petite body frame and of course because of all that I was lighter for my age than others. But I never lost weight to the extreme of fitting into my petite 10-11 year old sisters clothing, it wasn’t to the stage that I was forever seeing every bone that my upper body owned, I had thighs, I had bum and little boobs. I wasn’t bad.

2016 was when my weight started to really drop, my boyfriend was concerned and always trying to get me to eat whenever he could. I was worrying my mother and siblings but I wasn’t paying attention to the way my health was affecting them. I’d convinced myself I was fine, and so that’s what I was, I was fine.

Reduced to nothing but fighting for something.

But I had stopped caring about what I looked like, I stopped caring about the things I wore. I stopped fitting into my clothes and settled for living in tights, leggings and my boyfriend hoodies. Sometimes I’d make an effort in what I wore but I had to borrow my 10-11 (At the time) year old sisters clothes as mine were too big and she was the only one closest to my size.

In 2017 I’d got hit with a really bad virus that had left me bed ridden for a month. I had spent days and nights throwing up whatever I could while not being able to eat anything or keep any liquids down. My family and boyfriend were really worry for me by this point but I kept telling them I was fine. I’ll get over it like I always do and get on with life as normal. Except once I had recovered from it I had taken a look at myself in the mirror and got a shock of my life.

I had found out why everyone was looking at me with worried glances, why my boyfriend wanted me to eat or drink whatever I could, why my mum (who due to her own eating disorder is very understanding with mine) was practically begging me to go to the doctors and seek out help.

I went from being skinny to being…nothing. In that month I had wasted away into nothing and to see that nothing staring at me in the mirror? it was a truly terrifying thing to experience, to realise. The week after I got myself down to the doctors and I have been in the hopes that they have been able to help. So far I have had major struggle getting help from any professionals however I have made my own steps in gaining the weight back since then.

Right now I am waiting arrangements from Talk-Liverpool and an Eating Disorder Clinic in the hopes that they can help me. I have taken my own steps in helping myself including, by keeping an eating journal and through yoga practice.

Left is when I was really underweight, the right a recent photo after doing a yoga workout

Stay tuned next week as I’ll be posting what steps I took in order to help myself once I came to terms with my eating disorder and what other eating disorders there are out there, I’m personally shocked by how many there are that I was so unaware of! I’ll also be sharing what a year of yoga has done for me and what it could do for you.

Versatile Blogger Awards

So I’ve recently just discovered what Versatile blogger nominations were when two very lovely and amazing bloggers awarded me with one. Just going into my second month of blogging this is a really big deal for me and a great boost for my self-esteem and I couldn’t thank @LaurasLife or @MuchloveKirsty enough for nominating me! (If you’d like to check out who else they nominated or just wanting to take a look at their blog just click their twitter names as I’ve linked them to their blog).

You might be wondering what exactly is the Versatile Blogger Awards as it was a question on my mad and so I did a little research myself to find out exactly what it is. And simply put; it’s a community of bloggers, celebrating other blogs/bloggers who have unique content, strong writing, beautiful images/photographs or blog content that stands out to them.

I found there are three rules to this Versatile Blogger Awards after being nominated and those are:

  1. Thank the person (or people) who has choose and nominated you.
  2. Share seven facts about yourself.
  3. And lastly, Nominate ten bloggers you feel deserve to be nominated.

So without further ado, here are seven facts about myself:

  • When I was 7-8 Years old I had two very colourful fishes that I absolutely loved but woke up one morning to one of them eaten in half by the shark fish that was in there with them… I’ve not had fishes since.
  • My mum got me into unicorns when I was five years old on a shopping trip. I came across a really pretty unicorn teddy that was bigger than I was at the time, I name her Rainbow (because she has a rainbow mane) and I’ve been asking my mum to buy me unicorn teddies ever since.
  • I have four younger siblings whom I love very dearly.
  • I’ve always had a love for photography but can never see myself doing it as a profession. I love to do it in my own times as a hobby rather than a full-time commitment. I tried making art a full-time commitment and I ended up hating it. I’ve started doing it as a hobby again and I’m slowly falling back in love with it.
  • I want to be an author someday. I’m still not too sure what category I want to fall under as I’m still figuring myself out but It’s a dream I’ve never forgotten and one I plan on seeing through.
  • I’m going to be making my own anxiety candles really soon! I’ve spent the past 6-7 months researching how to make candles, different ways I can make them and I’m really excited about them. My first batch will be based on scents & colours that help calm you’re anxious mind.
  • I’ve suffered from anxiety pretty much all my life but it started to cripple me in high school. I spent two years not leaving my house (unless it was absolutely necessary and I had my mum with me) but was lucky enough to have the support of my family and my boyfriend who helped me push past it.

And that there brings us to the end of seven facts about me and on to the ten bloggers I nominate for the Versatile Blogger Awards. Choosing bloggers for this wasn’t an easy decision as the blogging community is so large and there are so many great blogs out there! But of course there are always a few that stand out to you and there have been a few that have stood out to me.

I’ve tried to keep the categories as open as possible but I do think a lot of these fall under the categories; mental health, lifestyle and book bloggers. There were so many to choose from as I have been reading a lot of blogs recently but I’ve chosen the ten that I feel my readers would personally gravitate more towards and enjoy reading themselves also.

So here are my Nominations for The Versatile Blogger Awards:

@Thereadingnook

@Followingmylifeinwords

@PagePlacePlate

@frasersfunhouse

@FibroFighter18

@Wellbeanblog

@bblphgst

@RTTPBookBlog

@rafflesbizarreblog

@Carlybloggs

Each of these blogs has amazing content that really should be checked out! I’d again like to thank @Lauraslife and @MuchloveKirsty for nominating me and for awarding me with a Versatile Blogger Award!

If you’d like to check out any of the blogs above that I have mention then all you have to do is click their name and you’ll be directed right to their blog. Also, go check out @Wellbeanblog on eating disorder awareness. I’ve collaborated with @Wellbeanblog in sharing a little about my story, that I will soon be posting up (also I’m sorry I know you’ve been nominated four times already but I really love your blog!).

Make sure you are following my Instagram @littletinkablee and Twitter @tinkableeblog to stay tuned and up to date with the new projects I’m doing, new collaborations and two book reviews on the way!

March. Mother’s Month

My beautiful mam holding her first daughter 💞

So this isn’t going to be like my other’s posts but it’s just as important as my other posts and since March is the month of mother’s day I felt it fit in perfectly.

So I was originally going to post about my eating disorder today as it’s eating disorder awareness week but instead, I got stuck with a different thought, a different post that I feel should be out on blog before I dive into my story. However I had collaborated with https://wellbeanblog.com/  in sharing a little about my story, so if you would like to check that out, just click here.

So the new topic I want to talk about today is Mothers. Everyone has one, whether you have a good relationship with them or not, whether you are a fortune to have yours still around or not, we all have or had a mother.

There’s is no one in the world I love more than my mother, the woman who has carried me in her belly for nine months, cared for me, fed me, bathed and clothed me. She’s always been my best friend whenever I needed one, my shoulder to cry one, my ear to talk to and is forever my protector.

There is nothing like a mother’s love, a mother’s care or a mother’s comforting words after a hard day. They’ve given up time, people and dreams to take care of a little creature that can’t yet understand that it’s alive.

And yet they are still so badly overlooked and taken for granted. We never take into account the emotional roller coaster we are forever keeping them on, or the constant worrying they do for our well being and safety no matter what age we are. A mothers love knows no bounds.

Now I’m not a mother myself and so I couldn’t tell what it feels like to have someone else’s little world on your shoulders, a little being that relied on you to be all knowing and indestructible and loving. I couldn’t tell you what it felt like to spend my days/nights constantly wondering if I was a good mother or not or wondering if I was making the right decision for someone else’s life. I’d say I’m personally pretty relieved not to have that hardship and emotional toll weighing on my shoulders.

As children, we never notice the pain and struggles our mothers go through and as adults, we slowly start to notice, we start to experience life and start to understand some of the things we couldn’t when younger.

I couldn’t thank my mother enough for the things she has done and the things she has gone through, I couldn’t thank her enough for loving me and my siblings with all her heart while at times hers was breaking.

We always say and do things in moments of anger that we often regret. But no one receives the worst end of that anger at times than our mothers, the women who are constantly our support system, ear to talk to, the person we find ourselves always going back to in moments of need or desperation. The one person we know we can go to no matter what we’ve done or what we’ve said. I think that is maybe why we take our anger out a little harsher on them than we would with anyone else because we’re aware that other people would leave and never come back but a mother? She’ll take the hurt, the pain, the horrible words and still give you that very much needed hug after a really bad day as though things had never been said. The love really does know no bounds.

Instead of celebrating your mother for Mother’s Day, Why not celebrate her for mother’s Month? I honestly don’t feel as though dedicating one day out of the WHOLE year is enough of thanks to the women who have carried us in their bellies and given us the lives we have now, giving us the opportunity to do and be whoever we want to be.

I think March is a great month to celebrate your mothers as it’s springtime on the 20th, a time where all the animals start to give birth to their little ones and all the flowers and colours are making a show. The whole month is about life and growth!

You don’t have to do or buy her anything big or expensive, buy her, her favourite chocolate, some flowers, a nice cushion, tell her you love her, write her a poem, go and visit her! See if there are any chores, any shopping, any cleaning that needs to be done. Mothers notice the little things and love them those most because it’s usually the little things that get in the from them being able to have “me time” or the little things that they are looking out for. Take her out make a point of dedicating a day for just you and her to do something she likes.

So guys go treat your mother’s this month and show them the love they deserve because you won’t get another mother. I’d love to know you’re thoughts on turning March into a month of celebration for mothers everywhere and don’t forget to like and share with your friends.