ONE YEAR BLOGIVERSARY

Well, It happened!

I’m not quite sure how, but I made it to a year of blogging!

Today marks my one year Blogiversary and I couldn’t be more proud of myself for sticking with it and making it to my first year of blogging.

My blog wouldn’t be a year old today if it wasn’t for my readers, supporters and followers. Starting a blog hasn’t been easy, and there were moments where I wanted to give in and delete my blog but with the encouragement and support from friends, family, my readers/followers and other amazing bloggers I toughed it out and stuck with it.

And it feels so incredible to be able to say that my blog is now a year old!

Despite the bad start to the year I did manage to find a few good moments through all the bad and even got out a bit to take a few photos. I’ve taken a LOT of photos of the moon already this year as well as of my cats that you can find over on my facebook pages:

  • LittleTinkablee Blog
  • Tinkablee Animal Kingdom

I have a lot planned this year and for the following ones a head so I am going to be slightly distance from social media for a little bit however I’ll still be engaging and my messages are still open to those who need it.

I couldn’t thank you all enough for sticking with me and reading through my posts and I hope that you enjoy or find help through my future posts.

Writing for myself Again

*Blogger Note*
I have never posted a post this late before but before going to bed I wanted to clear a few things up and thank the wonderful people that I have met on twitter for all they encouraging words and amazing support.

Me-Girl-Selfie-new post- writing - writer - writing for myself again - purple hair - alternative - blogger - mental health blogger - mental health - mental health matters - self portrait
Writing for myself again

As bloggers we want to see our blogs grow and thrive. We all have our own reasoning for wanting this but for me, bigger numbers/bigger viewers mean more people that I could possible help through my blog.

But, while trying to figure out ways to make my blog more attractive for other potential viewers and more interesting I’ve been majorly putting my mental health to the test because the truth is? I’m not all that interesting. I’m useless with technology and find that it annoys me more than I enjoy using it. I have a genuine fear of using technology outside, I won’t use card machines, I now won’t handle a bus ticket on the Arriva Buses as you know have to scan your ticket (I used to avoid getting the card for that reason), I won’t use a self serve till… there’s a lot I won’t do due to fear of it. What if I use it wrong? What if doesn’t work for me and everyone is staring at me? I HATE technology,

When I’m not house bound, I’m out early hours in the morning, or late at night on a walk with my boyfriend and Toby or sometimes we’ll go to a close friends house I have a family member out with me so I can do shopping.

The truth is despite how hard I try and fight my anxiety and all the overwhelming feelings that follow…It still wins. I’ve not figured out how to beat it, I’ve figured out how to have a few good days, sure but. But mostly? I’m riddle with anxiety to the point I am still throwing up in the middle of the days, my legs still go weak, my stomach still turns in knots and it makes it easier for depression to come along and sink it teeth into me.

If you follow me on twitter then you may or may not have seen my tweet that I posted out, one that I do apologise for. I usually try to stray away from social media when I start feeling like that as I don’t really want to be posting my negativity all out there, I want my accounts and blog to be a positive experience for everyone as I know how negative and toxic social media can be.

When my mental illnesses take over, my mental health suffers greatly for it, I end up in a vicious thought loop cycle. I feel so experienced in life, so boring and as though me and my blog has nothing to offer anyone that I get myself questioning why I’m even bothering? Am I even helping anyone? How can I even help people? These are only my words, my thoughts, my feelings…. It’s not anything special and it certainly isn’t anything interesting.

I had a little melt down, I don’t want to go into many details, but after I posted my tweet I retreated to my yoga in the hopes that it would help me…it didn’t. Neither playing with my cats or listening to music or reading, I just couldn’t stop my brain from doing over time enough to focus on the words.

This year I had a focus, a goals for myself. To change my lifestyle in the hopes of creating a more positive life or more positive days. But the past month or two I have failed in doing that.

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My eating has gone back down, I no longer snack, the drinks I’m drinking are more unhealthy than I am drinking healthy drinks, the healthiest drink I’m popping into my body is a glass of water and a glass or two of some kind of smoothie. My weight is back down more again, and what progress I was making in my work outs have all but disappeared because I all but stopped doing them. The only thing I have really kept on top of is my yoga but even that I have had to cut back on due to the lack of eating, so my energy levels have been really low lately.

And my family has been under extreme pressure with my little sister’s back surgery (and although she has/is in a lot of pain, she has been a little trooper), my mums one on the way soon and bunch of other things in the mix, its just been really hard to stay motivated and uplifted or positive.

I’ll be taking the weekend to regroup and refocus on myself and my blog. There are a few changes I want to make to it. I’ll still be doing my book reviews and product reviews but I’m going to be viewing them more as a hobby and I’m going to back to writing for me for a little while.

I’ll also be studying extra hard on my online college course while starting a new college course about crystal healing that I’m really excited about taking.

I’ll still be giving out tester candles to anyone who requests ones (for a free and honest review of course) .

My ‘Let’s Talk Pet Series’ and ‘My Bully Experience’ is still on going to anyone who wants their pets featured on my blog or to share their bully experience (to help inspire and show others that bullies never win, that trolls never win and that all their hate only strives our need to achieve our goals that much more stronger).

To submit your bully experience simply;
Email me at: Littletinkable@gmail.com
-Add your name
– short Bio of you
– Your bully experience
– And any pictures you would like added
-And any social media handles you’d like shared

If you aren’t a blogger wanting to send your bully experience all you have to do email me;
-Your name if you wish
– A short Bio (if you wish)
-Your bully experience
– Any pictures you would like added

If you are a writer or creator of ANY kind wanting to share your bully experience on Littletinkablee then simply;
– Your Name
– A short Bio
-Your Bully experience
– Any Social media handles or websites you’d like me to link back to
-And any pictures you would like added

Please note that If you wish me to post your story/ies anonymously then please skipped the steps adding your information and simple send your story over with any pictures you would like added.

To submit your pet story simply;
Email me at Littletinkable@gmail.com;
-Add your name
– A short Bio of yourself
– Any websites and/or social media handles
– Your pet Story
-And of course some pet pictures.

If you aren’t a blogger wanting to send your pet story all you have to do is;
-Your name if you wish
-Your Pet Story
– And some pet pictures

If you are a writer or creator of ANY kind wanting to share your pet story on Littletinkablee then simply;
– A short Bio
– Any Social media handles or websites you’d like me to link back to
-Your name
-And of course pictures!

Please note that If you wish me to post your story/ies anonymously then please skipped the steps adding your information and simple send your story over with any pictures you would like added.

Also My GIVEAWAY is still running and will continue running until Thursday, Friday I’ll pick the winner and Monday I’ll post it off to the lucky person! See my post – Some Bookish/Candle news‘ for more details.

I want to thank everyone who has messaged me and sent me words of encouragement and uplifting/ kind words, I can’t express what that means to me and I’ll forever be grateful for all the kind and amazing people I have met through my short but continued blogging journey. I hope you all have had a better Friday than I did and have a lovely weekends ahead.
Goodnight!

Why I do yoga in the mornings and MY rules for doing yoga in the mornings

“Early to bed and early to rise makes man healthy, wealthy and wise”

 is a universal adage
Morning yoga - yoga - yoga life - yoga practice - yoga everyday - littletinkabee - lifestyle - lifestyle
Morning Yoga

Every since starting yoga and experiencing all the unbelievable and uplifting benefits that yoga can hold, I’ve tried to make a point of doing it once or twice a day. However, this year I’ve been trying to do yoga a lot more, 2-3 times a day, sometimes even four. But my main goal is to do yoga every morning.

Why? You may ask. Well for me it’s simple.

It makes me feel less anxious and throughout the day. I find that if I can burn a certain amount of energy in the morning, I have a better handle, a better control over my anxiety and depression. I feel like I’m able to push the bad away easier, making it near impossible to attack me.

I did say near impossible.

Doing yoga in the morning hasn’t cured me of my depression or my anxiety but it has helped me gain more confidence in my control over it, I feel as though I have been given a new tool in life to help and now all I want to do is take full advantage!

But I still have to remember to pace myself, not just because for most of my life I have lived the life of a slob but also because of my eating disorder. When I say slob, I mean when I was able to bring to myself to eat something it was usually a piece of chocolate, or a piece of pizza, crisps, more chocolate, ice-cream, and basically everything you are warned not to eat a lot of due to health problems in the future. I despite my “pig outs” when I could, I was still extremely under weight, I still am.

And so because of that I have made a few rules up for myself to follow when doing my yoga practice, which are the following:

No breakfast? Then no yoga!

Breakfast - breakfast cereal - cereal
Breakfast Cereal

Breakfast has always been a BIG no, no for me. Mainly because for five years of my life I spent every single morning with my head down the toilet throwing up stomach acid due to the emptiness of my belly contents and not only by then was food FAR off my mind, but I also believed that food would make me feel worse.

I’m honestly amazed at how untrue that is! I only eat (not every morning, it’s still a work in progress) small things in the morning, such as; A yogurt, a bowl of fruit, yogurt and a bowl of fruit, half a bowl of cereal or what I usually ended up eating more than anything else for breakfast, a banana.

When having a banana before yoga, I notice that my muscle are more relaxed, and are easily to bend and sway to my will. Stretching has become a breeze! I also notice I have lot more energy to hold myself up in certain positions and throughout the day. My moods are usually a little higher and I feel the control that my anxiety and depression have over me slip slightly.

I know a lot of people like to do yoga on an empty stomach but again due to my issues, I get more benefits when I before than I do when I try doing yoga on an empty stomach.

TAKE BREAKS!

yoga break
yoga break

One of my problems when doing something is I like to get it DONE. Which means I really don’t like taking any breaks and the same applies with yoga but with all the energy that yoga can take up, it’s easily to quickly run yourself down.

So, now, I like to remember to throw in 5-10 minute breaks into my sessions.

And I ALWAYS take at least 10-15 second break before going into a new pose.

A lot of my breaks will consist of cuddle time with one of my cats, as I am never alone when doing yoga. I like having my cats around me when I’m doing yoga, they are great reminders that a break is always needed.

Always stretch first.

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Yoga stretches

I always make sure to stretch my body before doing yoga, with some of the poses I like to do it really helps stop any cramps from attacking.

Stretching before and after yoga practice can really benefit you and your body. It can lend a helping hand in increasing our strength and prevent a lot of injuries from occurring while doing yoga.

Not to mention that it helps loosen up your muscles and body, helping you achieve those yoga poses you are trying to achieve.

Yoga Pose
Yoga Pose

Set my self small goals.

Before I do my yoga I make sure I have my small goals in mind. My small goals I like to write up over on the weekends and try to memorise them for the rest of the week, sometimes for the whole month if I’m still not making the kind of progress I am hoping to make.

AVOID CAFFEINE

Now most people who have anxiety know this, however, if you are not aware then I’ll be happy to inform you to help you, help yourself better, that caffeine is terrible for anxiety suffers. (I’ll be writing a post on this in more depth and posting the link here once it’s available for reading).

But yeah, I now try my best to avoid tea, coffee and any caffeinated infused drinks.

Never compare myself to other fellow Yogis.

Sometimes our biggest demon is comparison. We can’t help but compare ourselves to other’s sometimes and in yoga that still stands, especially when following along with a yoga Youtube Video and comparing how more far along they are than you.

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It can make you question yourself a lot which can be both good and bad. Good, because it can give you more motivation to do it and to it more often but bad, because sometimes once that little part of your brain is switched on…it can be hard to switch it off again. You start to question if you are doing the poses right, is your breathing in line? Should I use my block, they don’t need one?

Being an overthinking, it’s hard to shut these thoughts off and so I limit myself to what videos I watch and when. There’s no point in watching a Youtube video for yoga beginners if I am going to spend most of that time focusing on questioning myself rather than focusing on what my body is doing.

And so I make a conscious effort not to let myself “fall down the rabbit hole.”

EAT AFTER or have a protein shake/ smoothie

As well as making sure I have something to eat before I do yoga, I like to make sure I have something a little more filling afterwards. Sometimes doing yoga can set off that little alarm in your body that tells me I’m hungry (Something I seriously struggle with, I don’t get many warnings that I’m hungry because my body is so used to running on nothing) and so I’ll be ABLE as well as WANTING to eat after my morning yoga practice.

I hope this post can help inspire you to take the journey that yoga has to offer and maybe some of my rules can help you!

Do you do yoga? Do you have you’re own rules? I’d love to hear about them down below in the comments. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week, and makes the most of this summer weather!

Wait, It’s July? You must be Julying!

Where did June go? I swear I blinked and it’s July!

1st July - 2019- planning - blogger - lifestyle blogger - mental health blogger - book blogger - writer - planner - cereal - monday - monday morning - photography - photography enthusiast
1st July 2019

When a new month hits, so do new goals. Over the past couple of months, really, my mental health has been winning the upper hand but I’m still continuing to fight back with any means necessary. While it has been succeeding in pulling me down again, I’ve really become less engaging and I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from everything to be honest. From my blog, social media, my life…everything.

And I don’t have much hopes at the moment that my feelings are going to change as July is going to become a incredibly difficult month for my family as both my mum and little sister have operations this month, my sister’s a little more extreme than my mums. A lot of my effort will be going to helping care for my family.

However, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent all of June preparing and getting ready to throw some exciting things your way! Such as the following below:

  • My ‘LittleTinkablee Anxiety” Candles will be ready for Purchase on 20th July.
  • I have some homemade bookmarks that will be available for purchase on 30th July.
  • I have SO many book reviews coming your way.
  • I have a Hair clip review to share with you all.
  • Yoga posts!
  • I have a new post coming up all to do with jars!
  • I have a new post about cats coming your way.
  • I’ll be doing my ‘Lets Talk Pets’ Series every Friday’s and Thursday’s (Email me at Littletinkable@gmail.com if you would like to share your pet story)
  • I have a harry potter AND an all bookish Giveaway announcement on 4th July
  • I’ll be starting my “My bully experience” again, every Thursday (Email me if you’d like to participate!)
  • More mental health related posts
  • And of course the spur of the moment/ a few little rambling posts.

Besides doing a whole lot of planning, June wasn’t that bad of a month really. My little sister turn the big Sweet Sixteen! How the time flies! I still remember waking up early on her second birthday to run down stairs and give her my special/favourite sparkly blue teddy (Even then I had a feel she would be drawn sparkly things!) that was given to me by my older sister when she was 14 maybe 15 years old.

Just before her 16th birthday me and my other younger sister decide to take her out somewhere special, my sister LOVES anything to do with Pusheen, how could she not? It’s (in her words) a cute “Derpy” cat. And so when my sister found out that Pusheen was doing a Live tour and coming to Liverpool…Well it’s safe to say that we were able to pack down our anxiety and other problems so we could take our sister out and enjoy the day, you can read all about it here: Pusheen On Tour.

We also ate some Dr Pepper Candy Floss!

Dr Pepper Candy Floss - dr pepper - candy floss - sweet - sweet tooth
Dr Pepper Candy Floss

Also my heart, the love of my life and my forever person turned 22 this year and now I’m only a month behind him, how crazy is that?! Years seems to be flying by lately and it’s really got me thinking about a lot of things. I wrote him a birthday message on my blog as a way for not only me but for my blog to wish him a BIG happy birthday. “A Happy Birthday Message To My Love.”

Heavenward - Hallow
Heavenward – Hallow

My, Hallow book arrived! And has made me even more excited to see my books by the amazingly talented Olga Gibbs. You can read my review of Olga Gibbs first book in ‘The Celestial Creatures’ series, Heavenward (which is currently free to purchase your e-copy). You can also check out my review of the second book Hallow and my review with the enchanting author herself! – An Interview with Olga Gibbs.

June Yoga Challenge
June Yoga Challenge

I also completed a 30 Day Yoga June challenge along with @Autisticfitchic and @Pagesplacesplates and @nyxiesnook who are three incredibly passonate -not to mention extraordinary- bloggers who too enjoy the benefits that yoga provides and I’m excited to be doing another challenge along side @Autisticfitchic and @Pagesplacesplates.

Yoga
Yoga

After being nominated 6 times for the 73 Vogue Question tag (which will be up later today) I have found out thanks to Pottermore I have been placed into the HufflePuff housing! So I guess I’m a fellow Hufflepuff for all those who ask 😀 .

I wrote a post on anxiety and the effect that it can have on our memory which you can check out here: Anxiety and Memory Loss.

I’ve done a guest post on Beforewegoblog.com called “Bookish Confessions.”

Emily Priest – Nicotine and Napalm

I also read and reviewed Emily’s enthralling and extraordinary compile of poems transformed into a beautiful and captivating book. You can check out my review and how to get your hands on your own copy of Emily’s amazing book, ‘Nicotine and Napalm.’

A sneak peak of one of Emily's poems from her book Nicotine and Napalm
A sneak peak of one of Emily’s poems from her book Nicotine and Napalm

I did my first ever Giveaway! One of a four part giveaway – (three more are coming your way).

Me and my boyfriend jogged half a mile and up a hill to capture and watch the first Summer Solstice sunset, the first sunset of summer! We brought Toby with us and all enjoyed a magical moment as the sky changed before our very eyes.

I have also done a tea syrup review for Yandra who not only bring to us all natural and lovely tasting tea but have now come out with a new syrup called ‘ Rose Simple’ Syrup. Check out my review HERE.

Yandra's Rose Simple Syrup
Yandra’s Rose Simple Syrup

Me and my boyfriend also rescued a baby hedgehog on the 19th June, it was so adorable! I now want a hedgehog. The poor thing was frozen in fear! So my boyfriend very carefully picked him/her up and we took it to a local park where we had spotted other hedgehogs and where there were wooded areas for it to hid in. We ended up nick naming him Sonic out of irony because of how slow he was, it took him a whole 10 minutes to walk off my boyfriend jacket and back onto solid land. Despite being scared at first, he very quickly got used to used to use and even poked his head out and starting sniffing us!

I bought two incredibly wonderful Lush Bath bombs (the dragon egg was by far my favourite smell!) One was so beautifully scented I have decided to live and die in that smell, my other bath bomb was just too pretty and glittery for words.

I also dyed my hair again! It’s still purple but now I have pink blended into the tips and it’s now kick started my addiction/obsession for dying my hair.

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A throwback selfie of me before I re-dyed my faded hair
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New hair

Despite all the challenges and struggles that July has to bring I am determined to make the most of this month. If you are struggling please, don’t be afraid to reach out to me, ALL conversations are confidential and non judgemental. If you aren’t looking for a conversation but rather just a listen ear, I con provide that for you too.

You can contact me here:

Facebook – LittleTinkablee

Twitter – @Tinkableeblog

Email – @Littletinkable@gmail.com

Pinterest – Littletinkablee

Instagram – @Littletinkablee

I hope you all have a great Monday and have an exceptional July a head of you!

Starting this week on a positive note

So last week was ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’ which motivated me into posting a little more on mental health in the hopes and help of spreading awareness, leading me into thinking a lot more about my own mental health which hasn’t been the best recently and the more I posted about my past struggles and recent it’s brought to light just how much I’ve actually been ignoring my own mental health in the hopes that it would just… disappear I guess.

This week I’m taking a new approach to everything, I haven’t worked EVERYTHING out just yet but I know I will eventually. I don’t want to feel like an impostor posting all this positivity that I’m personally not feeling myself.

I want to start feeling that little glimmer of positive energy that I had when first starting my blog up a few months ago, and to do that I’ve listed a few positive things I want to do throughout the day, everyday of the week to try and ensure a positive week, which will hopefully lead to a better month and in turn a great year.

So what steps am I taking to ensure I have a positive start to my week?


Start my day off with a positive/motivational quote.

Now this may seem silly to some but reading positive/motivational messages can be really good for you, you can feed off of that positive vibe that person had when creating that quote.

I personally love quotes and I always have. I remember when I was 14 and I covered my whole bedroom walls with all different coloured/shaped post-it-notes that had all kind of quotes that I had written/drawn onto them because my mum had forbid me to write on my walls.

Anyone can own a quote, anyone can think up a quote, you don’t have to be famous or a “really big deal” to have your own quote.You see quotes (especially inspirational quotes) EVERYWHERE. Schools, collages, hospitals, your local doctors, shops, on coffee shop sandwich boards and the main source is online; Tumblr, Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, you can even see people’s favourite quotes on Goodreads.

You see quotes (especially inspirational quotes) EVERYWHERE. Schools, collages, hospitals, your local doctors, shops, on coffee shop sandwich boards and the main source is online; Tumblr, Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, you can even see people’s favourite quotes on Goodreads. Quotes are everywhere and they are coaching us from the sidelines of our lives with little pep talks from labels on soap dispensers and tea towels and so on it goes.

With all that in mind I have been thinking about creating and printing out my own positive/motivational quotes when I start printing out ********** (sorry guys I’m keeping it a secret until all is sorted).

Drink hot chocolate or a calming tea in the morning.

I’ve done a rather good job at cutting coffee out of my life this year (though there have been a few times I’ve ‘fallen off the wagon’ and may have caved into a few coffee’s here and there). But I want to continue on cutting out as much caffeine in my life as possible in the hopes that it will help me control my anxiety some day.

I have one of those mums whose every solution to every problems has always been, “Have a cup of tea.”

Feeling sick? Have a cup of tea.

Having friend problems? Have a cup of tea.

Feeling upset? Have a cup of tea.

Just broke your leg? Have a cup of tea…

And well I guess you see my point. Tea is the solution!

If that doesn’t convince maybe some of these tea benefits will?

  • Tea contains antioxidants. Teas of all varieties contain high levels of antioxidants polyphenol that can help keep your body healthier.
  • Tea has less caffeine than coffee. While there are some potential health benefits to consuming moderate amounts of caffeine, drinking loads of it is hard on your hear, other organs and really bad for those who suffer anxiety.
  • Tea can create a calmer but more alert state of mind, helping you relax and concentrate more fully on tasks.
  • Tea eases irritability, headaches, nervous tension and in some cases insomnia.
  • Tea can also cause a temporary increase in short term memory. Not feeling your best today but need to be on the ball? Try drinking some tea! The caffeine it does contain may give you the boost you need to improve your memory, at least for a few hours.

I could list so many more but thought I would try and keep it short as I have more to talk about and share with you.

Morning Yoga

This year I have been working really hard at my yoga but this month I haven’t done as well and I’ve not stuck to it as much as I had at the beginning. I want to change that and start doing my yoga every morning 7am or 8am sharp!

Thinking about starting yoga? Here are some yoga health benefits;

  • Yoga can increase your flexibility
  • It can increase your muscle strength and tone
  • It can improve respiration, energy and vitality
  • It protects your spin
  • And increase your blood flow
  • Yoga can increase your self-esteem and gives you peace of mind
  • It also perfects your posture

There are so many benefits to yoga that I can talk bout if for days and days! Which is why I’ll cut it short here and save the rest for yoga post.

Go for a nature walk

If there’s one thing I love, it’s talking a nice and relaxing stroll with my significant other away from busy traffic and chattering people, where nature still has claim on its land.

My boyfriends ‘go to’ solution for when I am down is to usually take us on what I like to call our little ‘adventures’ where we would walk to the most isolated place we could walk to and enjoy the wonders that nature has to offer. No sound of people, of technology or cars. Just the grassy ground, the quiet air, and singing birds flying by. More often than not taking our little adventure usually works and I find my self flying with the feeling of happiness and love.

Something about being out in the fresh air with my love by my side and no sound or sight of anyone else eases my mind instantly and I always feel myself more relaxed, laying and smiling a lot more. I’ve always been an outdoorsy girl, even when I was younger.

Taking a walk in nature once every day is also going to help push me out of my comfort zone and help me comfortable my anxiety in hopefully a calmer and more comfortable environment for myself. It’s going to be a big push for me but something I feel I need to do, something I realised last week that I’ve might have been ready to do all along.

And, Lastly – READ FOR MY OWN PLEASURE

Me and Toby (Photo credit: My boyfriend)

Reading is something I love to do and do every day but since starting my blog I have stopped reading books simply for my own pleasure and have only been reading books for book reviews and as much as I love and enjoy doing this, I do miss reading books just for myself and so I want to start doing that again this week.

I know some days are going to go by great and others are going to be terrible but it’s all part of life. You have to take the good with the bad and the bad with the good. The bad helps remind us what the good in our lives actually is, it helps keeps us focused on our goal, to live our life as happy and care free as possible.

I hope you have enjoyed to days post and I hope this helps motivate you into ensuring yourself in having a good.

Don’t forget, Mental Health Awareness maybe over and the month is soon coming to an end my dms/messages and email: littletinkable@gmail.com are always open to anyone seeking confidential and non judgemental help/advice.

I also hope this post can help get you in a positive mood this Monday morning. Remember, You can face whatever battle you are facing just take it one day at a time, have a lovely week!

Bully Experience

Now if there is something in this world I can say without a shadow of a doubt I hate, it’s bullies. People who think and feel the need to tear down another person self-esteem and little world just to make themselves feel important and better than the other person.

People who think its okay to ruin the lives of others for your own person gain, not caring about the mental damage you are creating to that person. To the girls who think its “hard” and “cool” to walk around talking and acting like men , to the girls who feel the need to pick on all those pretty girls for having the right mindset and self-esteem built into them, to walk through their high school doors with no make up on or modification to their appearance. This is for the girls who feel its okay to pick on girls they feel haven’t done their make up right or expresses themselves differently and for the ones who think depression, suicide and self harm is a game or a cute little character trait.

This is for the boys who think its cool to hang around the younger kids, the ones who think its fine to corrupt them and make them think that being you is what they should aspire to be. This is to the boys who think its hard to beat a person, physically or mentally until they can no longer stand to see themselves in the mirror or even stand to be alive.

This if for the insecure bullies who try pointing and picking on people for having a flaw that you can’t stand about yourself, this is for the people who think its their life mission to make others around them feel as though they do. To make them feel small and unworthy to even live the life gifted to them.

You do not get anywhere by making yourself look “hard” or “cool”. Beating a person up just to look harder than the others is possibly one of dumbest things I have ever witnessed while growing up. To be that insecure about yourself that you need to put yourself out there so strongly as a person who shouldn’t be messed with? It just screams help. It screams to me that there are things going on that maybe you should be address properly and to a professional rather than taking your hurt/anger/pain out on others.

To obsess yourself over a person so much to make them hate themselves or want to kill themselves…that’s crazy behaviour, that is the type of thing that I would look for in a sociopath and to me that is all bullies are. Sociopaths.

It seems to me that bullies these days have managed to desensitise themselves from pretty much all emotions and thoughts regarding other people. The only time they feel what they think is a slither of happiness is when they’ve ruined someone else’s.

I used think of bullies as victims. Victims of circumstance and of bad upbringing or a lack of parenting on someone’s (or both) part. Now I’m really divided on the matter as I have come across bullies like that, who weren’t ever really shown what love, care or loyalty was so they express what they know which is what has always truly broken my heart about bullies. I know that they have been deeply wronged to have become so twisted, however I have also come across bullies who you wouldn’t think would be one, one’s with the opposite life from a hard upbringing.

In primary school I remember a particular bully I had to deal with. It was right after moving to Liverpool for the first time (so I was around 6-7 years old) and there was this little girl who was in all my classes and would follow me around on the school yard. She’d go out of her way to try and say nasty things to which I’d always respond with, “I’m telling my mam on you!” Before walking a way and finding others to play with. She didn’t particularly have any friends as she was always lashing out at people and the other kids were scared and intimidated by her.

One day she had come to school with a broken leg and wasn’t allowed outside during break times. Just as we were reaching our first break of the day, I had been approached by a teacher informing me that (Let’s call the girl Marie) Marie had requested that I be the person to stay with her during her breaks.

Now at first I didn’t know how to feel about that as I didn’t like being around the girl, she was a little horror at the time. But told the teacher that I would any way as I don’t do well with being asked things on the spot (Something I’m still working on). Anyway once the teacher left me to tell Marie the news I asked around the class room to see what the other kids thought and to see if maybe someone would take my place.

No one wanted to stay in during their break and no one really wanted to spend their break around the school bully and thus left me either telling the teacher I no longer wanted to or suck it up and follow through with my word.

I really don’t like breaking my word and so once I have agreed to something I like to follow through on it any way I can. I also had my mums voice in the back of my mind telling me not to judge people to harshly, that you never know what’s going on in their lives, plus I really couldn’t believe that she was acting like this for no reason at all. There had to be something making her want to lash out at people, a reason she was so angry all the time. The breaks were spent in silence as neither one of us knew what to say to each other. Eventually I got fed up of spending my breaks in awkward silence and decided to try and make conversation with her.

For a few month I done that, spending my breaks with the school bully, answering my friends question when they’d ask me what happened or what was it like spending all your breaks with Marie with “It’s not so bad.” We’d make small conversation and when the time came where she could have her cast removed the bullying had pretty much stopped (for me). I still spent some of time arguing with her when she was picking someone else when I was walking by but after that she pretty much left me alone and carried on about her business of being the school yard bully.

A good few years, 4-5 new houses and school later we ended up in the same high school. The girl had clearly not strayed from her bullying streak and even seemed to have gotten worse with it. One day we both had P.E together (one of the rare occasions that I would bring in my P.E kit) the teacher decided that we’d play football that day.

Marie seemed to be in a particularly bad mood and everyone was trying to keep a distance and not set her off. However she was started to really P*ss me off when she was kicking the ball as hard as she could at everyone. I started to do the same back to her which led to her saying an off had comment. I’d started walking towards her by this point and was asking what her problem was, Everyone had stopped trying (or should I say pretend as none of us other than a small few actually want) to play football and was watching us probably expecting a fight as that’s usually how confrontations went with Marie and just in general is how kids would deal with their confrontations as at that age everyone is to crazy-ed on their own hormones that they forget the fact they have a brain that could be used just as effectively.

However all we done was a bit of back and forth shouting at each other, I had eventually told her to go somewhere else to cool off because she was looking like a hot headed fool at the time and then the teacher came over. Me and Marie spoke a little after that, apologised and even became friends at one point before we both ended up going to different schools again and different directions again.

Through the time in trying to get to know her and befriend her I had come to learn that she had a really hard life back at home. Things were going on and had gone on that I couldn’t even imagine, things that would make me angry too.

After meeting her, it really made me take three steps back from people and view everyone as someone who has something going on. So when someone around me is angry or upset instead of responding with the same emotions as them as I’d like to or would have done, I step back and remember bad days happen and everyone has sh*t going on.

I’ve also come a cross a bully that hit anything in her path, no words needed or was said before she’d attack someone. This was coming from a girl who had a fairly normal up bringing, who pushed her family aside and decided that the street life suited her best.

Of course bullying doesn’t just happen with terrible words and painful jabs, it can be done by making people believe you are something you are not, they suck you in and make you believe that they are this sad person who just needs help, love and care. And so you give them that and you keep giving until you either have nothing left or they want the last thing you aren’t willing to give them. Bullying comes in all shapes and forms, physically, emotionally to mentally. I’ve had it all, I’ve been pushed past my limits and I’ve pushed through it all, as I will continue to do and show others they can too!

It’s when meeting people like that, that I question whether I am right to think all bullies are victims? Is it the internet? The fact we are so open to so much suffering and becoming desensitised too soon? It it the upbringing or is just something as simple as an evil personality? What makes bullies, become a bully. What makes them think they have the right to do something like that?

I’m sure we’ve all done and said things to someone that we regret, something that’s made us look like the bullies. But to dedicate day in and day out to do it, for years in or out of school? It’s just not normal, it’s not normal to obsess over the lives of others and attack someone just because you want what they have or you are jealous of them.

And to my siblings bullies, you can say hurtful words, you may even break them for a moment of your time but they are surrounded by loving and supportive people who won’t let the likes of low lives get to them the way you are trying to. The more bad days you try to give them the more good days we are determined to show them.

Bullies won’t break people. And it’s time they realised that, its time they realised that by trying to make someone a victim you are just making yourself look like a victim of bad personal circumstance

Please feel free to comment, share and like this post, don’t forget to subscribe to my email list and I hope you enjoyed reading. More than anything though I hope you can take something from my experiences and apply them to your day to day life whether that’s not to judge people (even those who hurt us), whether it’s to forgive those who hurt us or maybe this has made you realise that you have not been the best person you can be and it’s changed how you look at the bad. Either way I hope to see you all back again on my next post!

Adventure’s with Dan

So today I’m posting a completely different post from what I was going to do yesterday as my mental health as been decreasing and spiralling into a whole new direction making me feel wrong, off balance and just really not at all my self right now.

Yesterday it really hit me hard and unexpectedly. Feeling as though something was crushing down on me and like I wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone,
Uncontrollable crying and anger at feeling so down for no reason, it just makes me feel as though I’m not in control of my self and there is no scarier feeling than feeling as though you have no control over yourself what so ever, feeling as though your emotions calls the shots and in turn calling the shots on my thoughts. It’s scary, it’s sad, exhausting and it’s something that plagues me daily.

I really didn’t think yesterday was going to be in anyway good, as soon as I’d woken up I’d pretty much already had it in my head that today was going to be a bad day and nothing stops a bad day from happening… or so I thought.

Seeing me so upset, my boyfriend decided to make it his mission to make me feel better and to put a smile on my face. He suggested we go for one of our little adventures (We haven’t been on one for a while), enjoy the warm day we had ahead of us and to take some new pictures which is something he knows I love to do and can get lost in to doing for hours. Taking pictures has always been therapeutic for me, being away from people has always been my main goal in life, I’m not a people person, more of an animal/nature kinda girl and my boyfriend knew this and knew exactly where to take me to distract me from…. well myself.

We jumped over a little lake, walked through a massive field and entered some wooded area’s where we came across so many beautiful flowers (mainly blue bells) and other’s pretty plants. We also got attack by a LOT of fly while walking around which I can’t really say I enjoyed however the fun of trying to escape them and find a clear area from those flies was rather fun.

We climbed over fallen down tree’s, broken walls, massive pipes and avoided as many nettles and stingy plants that we could. Considering how many nettles and stingy plants there were I was surprised and impressed that we’d only got stung once each. When I was a child and I used to explore like that I was forever getting stung by nettles and it became a habit to carry about dock leaves where ever I went. I’d be that strange child making her way to the woods picking up the really massive dock leaves as I went by because I knew at some point I’d get stung by a nettle.

My Dan holding up the big dock leaf

Yesterday was the first time my boyfriend had come across a dock leaf so big which I thought was crazy because a girl that got stung daily when she was younger I’ve come across some really BIG dock leaves but the pure simple joy on his face instantly melted my heart and I needed to get a picture of him and this big dock leaf, and that’s exactly what I did. I took another picture this time of the love of my life standing in nature with pure joy on his face. It’s moments likes these I want to capture forever, and never forget.

We also came a cross a really old vodka bottle, a really old packet of Space Raiders crisp from 2009 and what looked to be an old street that nature had claimed back. There was an old gate with an old auction sign on there and behind the gate where the house would have once been was nothing, no sign of a house once being there other than the gate and the auction sign. There was also a set of really old bollards that still had the Liver Bird print on them. It really did look to be an old street that had been abandoned, forgotten and nature was able to reclaim it back.

After we explored the area a little longer we left to go back home, walking passed the same massive filed and jumping over the same lake we entered the smaller filed again only this time we spotted a really big butterfly. I’ve never been one into butterfly I’ve always personally found them to be ugly and creepy and felt people just got to distracted by their colourful/patterned wings and couldn’t see it for the buggy looking creature it was. HOWEVER! This butterfly will be the only one I will ever say I found to be beautiful and not just the wings but everything about it was beautiful, although it was the beautiful wings that drew me in…

It was big, like really big. With two massive light brown wings with two red looking eyes on top and two purple looking big eyes at the bottoms, this butterfly instantly captured our attention.

The best it I could get at the time!

I tried my hardest to get a really good picture of it but it wouldn’t let me close enough to do and so after a few failed attempts it flew away leaving me in awe and disappointment that I couldn’t get the picture I wanted. We had some food and a half hour break before we walked across a different field and into a smaller wooded area that was just in front of an old butterfly reserve. My boyfriend could see how disappointed I was at not being able to take the picture I wanted and thought maybe we’d spot a few over there that I could take pictures of.

But there wasn’t a single one, there flies and horses and so many bugs crawling about but no butterflies. We then decided to go meet up with a friend and his dog since for this adventure we had decided to take Toby with us and made our way back out. On our way back my boyfriend spotted what appeared to be the same big butterfly and after following it and trying to take a few picture I realised quickly it was EXACTLY the same one. What were the chances!

This time I was more than determined to take a picture of this butterfly who too seemed fascinated with us as every time we got too close it would fly away only to fly right back by us again. Almost as if it didn’t want to move away from us but was scared of what we wanted to do but eventually it seemed as though the butterfly no longer thought our intentions were to harm it because it randomly fly up into the air and then landed on a perfectly clear patch of ground surround by the fields grass.. Ever so slowly I started to take pictures as I walked as slowly and softly as I could to the butterfly. I eventually almost ended up laying on my stomach trying to get a close up of this butterfly without it flying away from me but I apparently didn’t need to fear that because It didn’t move once! When my camera got too close to it, it did hide it’s wings from me a few times but when I’d move back a little the butterfly would open its wings back up to me.

That butterfly was the highlight of my day but being around my boyfriend is what’s truly made it special and so enjoyable. Without him I probably would have had one of the worst days this month and I there isn’t enough words or emotions in the world to describe how thankful I am for him and the things he does for me. For the way he handles me at my worst and manages to make things seem better.

I’ve said it from the start and I’ll say it till the end. I love my boyfriend, more than he probably knows and I never want him to change who he is because it’s who he is that I fell in love with, it’s who he is that my soul is drawn to.

If anyone else is going through a tough time this month/year please feel free to dm, message or email me. I’m always a listening ear for those who needs one, I’m not a judge and so you won’t receive any judgement from me only encouraging words, (hopefully) helpful advice and probably a lot of great quotes.

Please don’t forget to like, comment, share and follow my blog!

To the strong woman who raised me…Thank you!

Now I will be the first to admit that I’m not the best person for buying presents, I stress over them too much and end up settling so as to avoid feeling bad if the person doesn’t like the gift I bought. And despite working on becoming an author and full time writer, I’m also not the best with words ( The irony isn’t lost on me either ).

I suppose I’m good with writing my words down, but to actually try and voice them out? You have a better chance at me crying gold than expressing myself properly. I never feel as though the words I say and the gifts I buy does justice on just how thankful me and my siblings are to have such a strong and independent woman raising us. So I wanted to instead dedicate a blog post to the one woman in my life that has shown me no matter how dark a day may seem, no matter how hopeless you may find yourself, there is reason to keep pushing forwards. She has shown me not to let others dictate what I do, she’s taught me not to let the opinions of others get to you (good or bad) as that is all they are, opinions not facts.

My beautiful mother after her first operation

So without further a due I would like to start of by saying… Thank you, mam. Thank you for being the mum we needed, thank you for being the dad that wouldn’t be there and for being the shoulder to cry on through hard times. Thank you for becoming out best friends so we felt comfortable enough to confined in you when we needed to as I was aware of just how rare that was when I was younger.

I used to have a lot of people feeling bad for me when they realised that it was just my mum that raised me but what they didn’t realise was that I also felt bad for them because they would never have the same bond or connect with their mother as I do with mine. It baffled me when girls would tell me the things they kept from their mum and I’d be sat there like…she’s the first person to hear about this stuff. I remember being in year 7 and I still used the threat of “I’m going to tell my mum on you!” whenever I had a problem with someone. To me, my mum was the baddest most invisible person you could ever come across, the best person to have on your side and the worst person to have as an enemy of any kind. And it doesn’t matter how much older I get, what the world has to shown me and the things that we experience, I still think that about her to this day, probably more so now than I ever did then.

Watching and being able to understand all that she has gone through, all that she is going through and all that is willing to go through just for her children makes me proud to tell everyone that woman right there, she’s my mum and she’s my dad and best friend wrapped up into one perfectly imperfect woman. I wouldn’t change a single crazy, wacky, Gothic trait my mum has in her body.

Mam you are always the voice of reason, the calm in our storm, the best friend we all so desperately seek out and the best mother anyone could ask for. Watching you go through what you have and still coming out on top (even when it may not seem like it) is one of the most inspiring things that we get to witness daily from you. And I know that it is you, your strength and no nonsense attitude that has helped Courtney into becoming the young woman she is today, through your strength she was able to to find her own and harness that to her advantages. You have help Jod become the amazing and caring mother she is today, living with such a protective mother you are unconsciously giving her the tools she needs to help her become who she is, you have help shown her what it takes to be a good mother. By giving all the love and support you have & reminding that you are always there when needed.

You have helped the younger kids in more ways than you could possibly ever understand. Growing up in such a chaotic and confusing era to know that they have someone who knows them inside and out it there on their side, no matter what..? It’s one of the best gift you could had anyone. And I know that they know how lucky they are to have you as their mother.

And lastly… You have helped me beyond measure. Knowing that there was someone I could always talk, about any and everything is one of the greatest things you have ever done for me. There have been a lot of times where I don’t think I wouldn’t have made it out by myself if I didn’t have someone like you to talk and vent to. You have shown me to be hard, to be truthful and take no bullshit, while still being kind and to help those who need or can’t help themselves. You have taught me that no matter how small you feel, if someone is in need of help you go help them and if you get your ass kicked helping that person then you take it with pride, you work on what went wrong and then you go make things right.

You taught me the value in our words and the power that they carry. You were and still are the dad I always needed and the mother that anyone would be lucky to have. You are the inspiration behind my dreams, if it wasn’t for your passion for words, for helping others and being independent I don’t think I would have ever had the guts to pursue my dreams of becoming an author. I don’t even think I would have the guts to even admit my dreams to anyone. I never would have started my blog or even picked up a book if it wasn’t for you!

So to show my thanks for everything that you do for not only me but for my siblings written a little poem with clues/hints as to what your presents over the next few weeks are going to be. After the rough year you had last year and everything that is to come, we wanted to make this one a little more special for you.

(I will warn you though, this is the first time I have ever had to write a poem based around specific items so it is a little terrible but hopefully they’ll keep you guess -with hopefully a clue little or idea as to what it could be- until you receive your gifts)

The first is a fairy tale

with a little twist

it all may seem so innocent

with pages first kiss

The second likes to be pet

but be careful of their claws

And always keep in mind

never to forget

Some are cute and cuddly

and some are snugly and cute!

Now it’s time to change your fashion sense

to something new and fun

we have taken the time to find

you something cute with a little bit of sun

We know you like you colours

we know you love your vamps

but I have found you something

a little like a lamp!

Happy mother’s day to my one of a kind mammy. No matter how hard life may seem I know I always have you on my side to see me through just as you have me on your side. We all love you so very much! And can’t thank you enough for being you!